For many years, I had a very difficult time loving myself. There was a constant current running within me carrying the message: “You’re not good enough.” Often, I was taken under tow by this deception, my soul sinking in despair.
The theme of “not good enough” entered my life early on. As a child, I commonly found myself left out by my siblings. They’d play a fun game together while I learned to entertain myself. My Earth dad was not an affectionate man, which I translated to mean I was somehow unworthy of love. Due to my mother’s problems with mental stability, I felt unsafe with her, sending another signal to my being that there must be something wrong with me.
As I entered school, I was commonly left out by my peers, teased and bullied. A plump, geeky kid with thick glasses, I grew up into an awkward, unattractive teen who was “not good enough” to be asked out by the boys in high school. I left for college with the hopes of proving they were all wrong about me.
As I began journalism school, a sudden eruption of cystic acne exploded all over my face, worsening throughout my post-secondary years. I’d look down the college hall, seeing slim young women with clear, beautiful skin. I struggled to find confidence with my wide hips and horrifying bumps all over my face. Retreating into myself, I spent more and more time hiding in my rented basement room and less and less time believing I would ever be “good enough.”
I believed in God but my understanding of Him needed work. As I was preparing to leave for an internship at a newspaper, I began reading the The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. I wanted to know more about Jesus, but had not fully surrendered my life to Him. One afternoon, as I lay on the couch, Rick Warren’s book beside me on the floor, I heard in my mind almost audibly: “How would you like to have a son?” It was a taunting question that I now believe to be the voice of the enemy.
Only months later, after I’d just begun my new job, I learned I had become pregnant. Although Satan somehow knew I’d have a son, he did not seem to know I would be having twins. I was not prepared for the news.
With a swollen belly, my relationship with their father on the rocks, I returned to my hometown to find support. I’d left that town hoping to prove to everyone that they were wrong and I was good enough. Instead, I was humiliated.
A year after the twins were born, I married their father. It was a turbulent relationship. We developed an on-again, off-again relationship which played out for almost a decade, with two more children arriving along the way before our marriage imploded.
With our divorce, what had been a feeling of “not good enough” now threatened to become my entire identity. I knew I needed help to end the internal torment. God was the only one I believed qualified for the job though I lacked assurance that I was deserving of His help. In His loving kindness, He took me up under His wings, as He has promised to all who belong to Him.
“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.” Psalm 91:4 NIV
I turned to God for help, asking for Him to deliver me of my pain. He began a deep work of teaching me what it means to be a child of God and an heir to His throne. As Jesus tended to my damaged inner parts, it remained difficult to believe there was anything good about me. I remember feeling led by the Holy Spirit to practice saying loving things to myself:
“You are loved, loving and lovable,” I’d say into the mirror, not believing a word of it at first. Slowly, as God drew me into Himself, His love began to heal my heart, and His Word began to heal my mind.
He led me to attend self-help meetings where I learned I was far from alone in the battle with low self-worth. Reading scripture, I began to believe that the fear-inducing tactic of the enemy was strategically set up in my life to eradicate the chance of ever feeling good enough to be loved by anyone.
I now believe that our enemy begins the minute we are born with a strategy to convince us all we are “not good enough” for anyone’s love, including God’s. He lies in wait, coiled like a snake poised to strike, hoping to break as many hearts along the way as possible. But Jesus is not standing by letting that happen without a fight.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10 NIV
I began to receive revelation of the nature of God’s love, listening to hundreds of online sermons and reading books such as Perfect Love by Joyce Meyer.
I also kept a journal cataloguing my misery, trusting God day by day to correct my negative self-beliefs. The personal writings of my journal would eventually become excerpts of my devotional book, A Way in the Wilderness: 100 Mediations of a Woman’s Spiritual Trial.
I’ve learned that Satan and his devils are the only beings condemned as truly worthless with no possibility of redemption. God sees us as lovable and worthy of a second chance, provided to all of us through the cross of His son.
I am never going to measure up to God’s holy standard on my own, however, I’ve inherited the same position as Jesus in Heaven through the grace of the Father.
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9 NIV.
We are “good enough” for God, even if we have enemies, and even if that enemy is ourselves until we’re healed. If God sees our value, we have value, because He doesn’t simply know the truth, He is the truth.
My prayer is that all of God’s daughters begin to believe that they are good enough, in fact, each one of us is essential.
With love,
Jessica Lindsey
