By Jessica Lindsey
I divorced the father of my four sons when my youngest was seven months old. My middle son was still in diapers and my twin sons were in elementary school. At the time, I had no personal income, as I’d been home caring for my infant and toddler.
It was during this time of extreme financial pressure that I learned how to trust the one I’d begin calling my 11th hour God. Many times, I thought I was finished, believing I had failed myself and my children. There were moments I feared we were on the brink of homelessness. I’d find myself with only a few dollars left in my account, bills coming in fast and hard, the children needing food. I’d pray, agonizing over my situation. Then, at the 11th hour, just as there was almost no time left to deal with the problem, God would show up with the provision He’d been planning all along. As time and again, He showed up for me in this way, I began to trust Him at His word:
“So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:31-33
Following this command wasn’t easy to do. How does one put her mind and energy into actively seek after God’s righteousness when your children’s tummies are rumbling and the electricity needs to be paid? It became an exercise of learning that I had control over my thoughts. If I wanted to survive and remain sane, I would have to bend them towards God’s kingdom and away from the worries of this world. Back then, I believed this was a test from God to see if I would be more overcome by my physical need than by Him. Perhaps it was, partly. But looking back now, I can see He was teaching me that the secret to overcoming the perils of the world is to seek Him in every moment. Focusing on Jesus defeats the onslaught of hell trying to convince you that your very survival is wrapped up in your own abilities , in your bank account, in your possessions. That way, you will chase those things always. But God showed me to leave my survival is in His hands. This way, I free up my time and energy to pursue His Kingdom.
Over time, I began to realize that when I put my mind on Christ and off my earthly problems, I was able to minimize and even diminish them to nothing. When I chose to wallow in disastrous thoughts, anxiety would grip me hard. During these terrible times, when worry about money would take hold of my mind, I would feel my legs burning with the physical affects of anxiety. I’d have panic attacks with heart palpitations, my stomach wrenched in knots. I’d be rendered incapable of doing anything because fear had me physically and mentally bound.
I learned to meditate on Scripture. No, medicate on scripture, because no other remedy worked against the wall of fear I faced. When I let the Father’s promise of supply sink into my mind, and when I chose to believe it, the anxiety would settle enough that I could take productive action. I found this was a much more effective and productive way of handling financial stress.
If I was able muster the strength to believe, even if I had to force myself, it was better than succumbing to that crippling level of anxiety. After all, when the panic attack subsided, the bills were still there. Worrying about them never did a thing to solve my problem. God taught me to focus only on the 24 hours ahead of me. If rent and food were covered that day, I considered myself okay.
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34
I needed to work these Scriptures into my heart or be destroyed by worry. I had faith and God supplied, as His promise is written:
“And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.” Matthew 21:22
Many times, money became desperately tight, but I testify today that God was always faithful. Today, I the twins are in college and doing extremely well. I’m not where I want to be financially, but I believe the same God who saw me through the leanest of times will never leave me. I still have some praying to do for my financial goals to be achieved, but I do not suffer from the depths of anxiety I once had. Thank God, my troubles are not quite as dire as I now have my own source of income.
He proved to me that it is true that He will never leave or forsake me. He will always feed me. Always clothe me. I am loved.
