Acceptance has been a difficult concept for me to grasp.
As a Christian woman, I struggled for a long time learning which were my conditions of living that I would have to accept, which were unacceptable, and therefore my responsibility to change, and which of my battles belonged to the Lord.
My dilemma was whether I should stay in my marriage or not, causing deep conflict within me. I wanted to please God, to be an example of faithfulness to Him and to my husband. Though our relationship was full of turbulence, I believed miracles would happen to restore our marriage to the glory of God. I wanted to please the church which seemed to only ever point to one resolution of every kind of marital madness – keep staying married, no matter what.
But there was a problem with that – I was the only person in our marriage who had adopted this mindset. I had taken doing all the work on my shoulders, expecting I’d have this wonderful testimony of how my faith was the game changer that turned things around for us. I’d be the hero. Angels would be applauding me in the halls of heaven for all the faith I’d had. So I prayed and I stayed. And yet, nothing got any better.
In fact, it got desperately worse.
As my faith dwindled, I found myself wanting to leave for good, yet certain scriptures plagued my mind.
Among them, Paul’s exhortation in 1 Corinthians 7:10:
“To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.”
Should not separate, it says. God says. If I left for good and I followed this instruction, I’d be resigning to a life of loneliness. So I stayed and prayed some more, holding on for that miracle. Until one day it all unraveled with police and social services and chaos.
“Ma’am, I have to let you know that if this happens again, we’ll have to take away the kids,” they told me.
But I was doing what Paul said, I wanted to tell them. Only, they didn’t know Paul. They were following the laws of the land, trying to do their job and keep people safe.
Be reconciled to her husband. Ah, how many times had I tried! Leave, go back. Leave – “this is unacceptable!” – then go back. Leave – “but God says…” – then go back. Stay and pray. Stay, and pray.
Until the fruit of doing lay rotten all around me, smelling putrid as a disemboweled pig. Mess everywhere throughout my house. Kids crying. Grass grown three feet tall. Hoards of things piled to the basement roof. An eviction notice. Suicidal thoughts.
But this was what God wants, I argued with the evidence all around me. He wants me to stay and pray – Paul said so.
And Jesus too.
“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Matthew 19:9 NIV.
So then if I got a divorce, I’d either be a lonely cat lady or an adulterer. More torment.
The prophet Malachi said in fact that God “hates” divorce (Malachi 2:16). Hate. My actions would become the subject of God’s hatred, I thought. I could not digest it.
Stay and pray. Stay, and pray.
In the end, I decided to divorce my husband because there was no hope of a safe, lasting reconciliation. The injustice I was living in was worse than living alone.
Today, after 10 years of divorce, I believe I understand better why God hates divorce. God hates when men divorce their wives because it leaves women as poor lepers in society, fending for themself and vulnerable to poverty. A broken-hearted, lonely, divorced women is an easier target for the enemy to destroy. Today, I no longer believe that God wants women to stay in unsafe living situations to keep the marriage going. I believe God stated that he hates divorce to protect women – not hold them in harm’s way.
I believe Paul genuinely heard from the Lord when he stated women should stay with their husbands and that in a large number of situations, it’s God’s desire to keep trying. But I no longer believe that this means women should accept totally unacceptable behaviour from their husbands.
Up to the day of writing this, a decade after my divorce, I have remained unmarried. I have learned to pray that God’s will be done so that I am living the best life possible for me and my children that glorifies Him. Perhaps someday God will restore the area of marriage for me, but I wait upon the Lord.
I have found that divorce is a very lonely road that should be avoided at all costs. I wouldn’t wish it upon the worst of my enemies. It is as permanent as a death and as farshtunken as one.
But beloved daughter of the King, if your path should lead this way, please know this: God will take care of you, restore you and heal you. and completing you in Him. Nothing, nothing, nothing can separate you from His love, and Paul was convinced of this. The same writer and apostle who warned again divorces said nothing could separate us from the love of Christ, and “nothing” includes divorce (Romans 8:35-39).
Divorce is not good. Never will be. But if divorce becomes necessary to continue on living, God will love you, have compassion on you, and take care of you in the aftermath. Cherished daughter of the Most High, I give my testimony that if you follow Jesus through this, you will be okay, and good things will be on the other side.
1 Comment
It takes a lot of hard work to renew a mind after going through what you have described in this blog. Every time a woman shares her experience, it is an encouragement to the rest of us on the same difficult path.